Caius Volturi goes to Anger Management
by TheForbiddenSecondChance
Summary: "I'll admit, I do lash out at people and yell at them…maybe give them a couple of bitch slaps but it's not like I have a problem. I simply do it because they deserve it." Aro signs Caius up for anger management classes but will it change the perpetually angry Caius Volturi? Read and find out. CURRENTLY UNFINISHED.
1. Anger Issues

**A/N: Okay, so humor hasn't been successful for me so I am going to try really hard to make this funny. There may be some OOC (Out Of Character) moments so I apologize for that. xD Hope you enjoy! This is my first humor/parody fanfic so don't be too harsh. Please?**

**Caius Volturi goes to Anger Management**

_Chapter one: The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem._

There are times where I actually start liking Aro, and then he gives me a reason not to. I mean, I only stick around this place because I am secretly hoping Aro will give up his position as the 'official' leader of the vampire world and of course, give it to me because I am so much more deserving of the high status.

Aro, my easily fascinated and aloof Brother, has decided that I'm _too violent and hateful_. I thought that was exactly the reason why I'm a co-leader? But anyway, he signed me up to this anger management class. I'm not saying that I cannot control my anger, because I can, but if Aro wouldn't stress me out all the time than I wouldn't come off as such a monster. But, then again, I guess some things just irk me. Like stupid people.

I'll admit, I do lash out at people and yell at them…maybe give them a couple of bitch slaps but it's not like I have a problem. I simply do it because they deserve it.

As I sit here and grumble to myself, Aro enters the room. He's wearing his stupid smile and I want to punch him the mouth but if I did that, it wouldn't help my act of defence so I settle for glaring at him. He sits in his throne and cranes his head towards me. "Brother Caius, do smile." He chimes in, his mouth morphing into a slight grin. I huff and fold my arms. "No," I replied as I turned my nose up and look away. "I hate you right now." I added.

"Caius, you hate everyone." He retorted.

"You most of all."

"You can't hate me forever."

"Watch me." I growled.

"The first step to recovery…"

"Don't."

"…is admitting you have a problem."

I stood up abruptly and hissed. I couldn't take anymore. "_I DO NOT HAVE ANGER ISSUES_!" I screamed as I sped to the door, opened it, slid out and slammed it. The door had little cracks in it but I didn't care. It was Aro's property and problem. I paced down the passageway, passing a rather concerned Gianna and Heidi.

"Good morning, Master Caius." They politely said in unison. I growled in response.

There was nothing 'good' about today's morning so I'm going to go skulk like an adolescent who didn't get his own way.

Or maybe go on a killing spree. Both sounded pretty good to me.

**Read and review, my sweets? Please? xD Second chapter should be up by next week. c; **


	2. Slapping Aro

**AN: Sorry for making you wait so long! School is killing me. But here it is: the second instalment of 'Caius Volturi goes to Anger Management'! I hope I didn't disappoint. oxox**

After a debate – that took _FOUR_ hours – came to a close, I decided to stroll down the passageway. As I did, I admired the paintings I would usually ignore. I usually ignored everything and anyone if they didn't benefit me in some way. The candles flickered wildly as I passed them. I felt at ease, almost tranquilised. I considered visiting Athenodora then laughed. We hate each other. The last time I saw her was at Christmas, everything was perfect until I joked about her hair. She throw a lamp and a _Christmas tree_ at me. But _I'm_ the one with issues. She still hasn't forgiven me. _Woman_, I thought.

"Caius!" I heard Sulpicia call from behind me. I sighed. "WHAT?!" I snapped as I turned around. She recoiled backwards, I smirked quickly. You can't make people like you, but you can make them fear you. She straightened her back and lifted her head. "Aro wanted me to inform you on the date of your appointment." She murmured. I furrowed my eyebrows. "Appointment? Appointment for what?"

"Anger management. Remember?"

"Oh for the love of blood! I do not have anger issues!"

"Aro seems to think otherwise…"

"Yes, well Aro thinks that mutant of a child – Renesmee – is fascinating. I just think she's bratty and—"

"July, 5th!" she muttered as she walked away.

July, 5th my ass. I am not going. No. I refuse. _What day is it today?_ I asked myself. _Ahh, July 1__st__._

Well, if I'm being accused of having anger issues I might as well act like it.

I grinned – this was going to be fun!

* * *

The perfect time to start raging would be at the Guard Meeting. It's always so slow and tedious and I don't even know many of the minor guards. They are, in my opinion, peasants. And I am a king; therefore I shall not associate with them. However I do enjoy recycling them each century. When a vampire's head gets ripped off, it makes this joyous sound – it's like hearing bacon sizzle in a pan. I just can't get enough of it. I sighed contently. Today will truly be memorable.

After a centuries, immortality gets extremely bothersome. You have to make fun, because fun won't find you.

Two hours passed and I found myself sat comfortably in my throne. The guards started piling in one after one and soon the throne room was packed and echoing with the latest gossip. Aro stood and silenced the whole room; he started waffling on about some minor changes Marcus and I weren't in on. This was it: my chance.

I cleared my throat. "Aro, I do not remember discussing any type of changes with you."

Aro turned. "Ahh, my dear brother, I do not need you to help me decide what I do."

I stood. I wasn't finished. "In fact, you just swan off and do your own thing. Do you ever put mine and Marcus' opinions into consideration, hmm?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Well, I—"

"Point proven. And do you know what, Aro? I have had it up to here with you."

"Caius…" he tried to smooth out, "I did not think you would be so affected by this."

"AFFECTED?! You didn't think for ONE second that I WOULD NOT be affected?! I rule alongside you, I have put up with you and your sissy ways for God's knows how long, I have restrained from slapping you EVER SINCE WE FIRST MET AND IT DID NOT OCCUR TO YOU THAT I WOULD NOT BE AFBLOODYFECTED?!" and with that I slapped him so hard my hand started stinging. I flipped over two tables, punched a couple of holes in the walls and cussed like a sailor.

I exhaled a breath and looked at the stunned-to-absolute-silence-with-their-mouth-gappi ng-open crowd and smiled before exiting the room.

I have been bottling that up for so long. It's like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I should slap Aro more often.


	3. Unexpected Guests

**A.N:/ Sorry for the wait. .-. I've lost my funny bone so I'm not sure if it's funny or not. School sucks and interrupts my writing schedule. I got this idea while in Maths. Haha! xD Enjoy! **

"Caius, I am ever so sorry for the alterations I did not discuss with you." Aro murmured, looking straight ahead. It had been a couple of days since I threw my diva fit and Aro had just plucked up the guts to apologise for it. I frowned slightly, artificially. "As am I." I muttered viciously.

"But it proved my point, did it not? You do have issues and I am glad I set up the appointment as soon as the opportunity arose."

I huffed. "Aro, my issues is not that of a new-born's. I can control it but I chose not to. You see, immortality has its perks – as you full well know – but I do get bored, and evidently, so does that guard," I stood and put some emotion into my voice. This is all an act. "You can't change me. This is who I am now. I thought you could accept me. I guess not."

Aro frowned. "Brother, please stop with the dramatics…"

"I am going to skulk," I announced as I strode out of the room. "I'm in need of a repast, also. My appointment is in four hours. Order Heidi to send a mortal to my chambers immediately."

_**FOUR HOURS LATER**_

The waiting room was overloaded with ill and sneezing humans. The dull blue room was illuminated with an ugly white light. I shuddered. I felt out of place; I am royalty sitting among peasants. I grumbled to myself for a few minutes than checked my watch. _Ten minutes late_, I mutter to myself. _How convenient_.

An old lady, 85 I'm assuming, sat next to me. She smiled and pinched my cheek. "You're a 'andsome, 'oung chap, ain't you?" she said, her hand shook unsteadily and she eyed me.

"Ew! Get away from me, you freak." I recoiled away from her. _Ew. Ew. Ew._

"Shy, 'oung thing, ain't you?"

"Please, go away."

"What's ya name?"

"Go away." I repeated.

She frowned.

"You smell like rotten fish and tobacco." I blurted out.

"You're a 'andsome, 'oung chap, ain't you?"

_Why do I always attract the crazies?_ "I'm disturbed by you."

"Caius Volturi," a woman proclaimed in a bored tone, "Room 45."

_What? No escort? _I thought bitterly. I got up and strolled down the halls to room 45. The pine door had a silver plate which engraved the name . . .

Oh no. Oh, no, no, no.

* * *

"Carlisle! What the hell are you doing here in Italy?!" I was outraged! I damn right refuse to talk to him about my problems.

"Caius, glad to see you, too." He simply said as he patted a seat next to his desk. "You're here to talk about your problems, and I'm here to be professional. Let's leave any feuds we may have behind. Remember: I'm your friend, not your enemy."

I growled. I should've known. Aro booked the appointment. ARO ruined my life. ARO—

Carlisle cleared his throat. I sighed and sat down.

"Now, what is the problem?" he asked politely.

**OH PLOT TWISTS. xD **


	4. Sympathising With Caius

**AN: / I haven't forgotten about this fic! I've been having some personal problems lately and had to take a break from fan fiction, but I'm back and hopefully I'll update quickly. And may I ask for some ideas Caius could use to 'calm down'? I really think I can really mess with poor Caius! xD **

**I stole some ideas from the following authors:**

**SulpiciaDoesntApprove and Petals Open To The Moon. 3- **

**Sympathising with Caius**

**Carlisle's POV:**

Caius seemed to fidget nervously in his seat. I raised an eyebrow, and smiled politely. I once again urged him to talk but he bit his lip and hesitated. I could understand—we never got off to a good start. I sympathised with Caius, I'd be a little ball of rage if I didn't leave the Volturi. Poor chap, he's stuck there. But he should open up soon, I have many patients to see.

"Caius, I know it's difficult, but I'm not here to judge you. You can trust me. Whatever you say here will be kept confidential." I smiled again as he lifted his eyes from the floor.

"It's just that…I'm so sick and tired of having to prove my power." I nodded and waited for him to continue. "They think I don't hear what they say: 'Why is he Leader? He's useless. He has no supernatural ability!'; 'I bet they keep him around because they feel sorry for him…' and they look at me."

"How do they look at you?"

"It's a kind of pitying look—the kind of look you'd give a disabled duck." He looked down at his tangled fingers. I noticed something odd. Caius looked…vulnerable. I blinked a couple of times to check I wasn't seeing things. I proceeded to write into my notepad, nodding. "Tell me about the relationship you have with your brothers."

Caius' eyes flickered upward. "Aro…I hate him! He's just so…so…enthusiastic! And he gets me to do things-happy things."

"Like what?"

"Dancing and singing. He also celebrates every minuscule occasion like Halloween and Easter. And because my birthday is All Hallows' Eve, - oh, the irony - he sings 'Happy Birthday' so loudly! And he doesn't let me be Dracula. He's always Dracula _and it's not even his birthday; he can't remember the date_. And he got all sulky because someone tore through his Dracula cape and cancelled my birthday. Oh, and _I_ did it by the way. That cape is an abomination."

Whilst Caius waffled on about Aro, I reminisced. I know what Aro is like and I completely understand why Caius is the way he is. I would be too. I can't help but think _I'm glad I got out of that one! _I remember the time I walked into Aro whilst he was sitting in a Roman bath. And he casually got out, water dripping down his bare body—I didn't know where to look so I kept my gaze toward my feet and tried to awkwardly escape from that situation. But he kept talking, and talking… And then Felix showed up and rumours spread… That was my reason for leaving. Not the excuse I used. I snapped back into reality when Caius barked "Carlisle! Are you even listening?!"

I gulped and nodded. "Of course, Caius. Now, what about Marcus?"

He shrugged. "I usually ignore him. Aro doesn't let Marcus have a word in edge-ways. And plus, he's become a shell of a man, so yeah."

I nodded and finalised my document.

"How do you calm down?" I asked, looking at him.

"Well…I slap people. It works. But then I have Aro in my ear again. '_Caius, you should stop lashing out at innocents; it's not nice._' I am not nice. I am _ruthless_. Duh!"

"Hmm, you have a mild case. I would suggest talking to someone. Athenodora, perhaps?"

Caius laughed. "No. She hates me."

"But you are married, correct?"

He nodded. "We're only together because of the se—"

"Moving on…" I shook my head, "I think I know exactly what you need to do."


End file.
